NFL Week 9 picks: 49ers post ‘upset’ win at home over Cardinals; Colts top Jets tonight

Week 9 of the NFL is already bonkers amid trades, a quarterback’s COVID-19 audible and a horrifying drunken-driving crash, so please take the following picks as a necessary distraction:

49ers 28, Cardinals 24: Fred Warner says it’s unacceptable that the 49ers aren’t winning at Levi’s Stadium. “Does that mean we go and do something crazy out of our assignment?” Warner says. I suggest a séance, on “Dia de los Niners.” Line: 49ers +1

Colts 31, Jets 24: If Mike White throws for another 405 yards in his Jets’ encore, I’ll shave Robert Saleh’s head. Line: Jets +10 1/2

Ravens 27, Vikings 23: The Ravens had a bye last week, in case you wondered why they weren’t on prime time for a welcome change. (Programming note: they visit Miami next Thursday night.)  Line: Vikings -6

Patriots 28, Panthers 16: What team has eight letters, starts with a ‘P’, ends with an ‘S,’ and touts a 4-4 record? That’s where the similarities end once this game kicks off. Line: Patriots -3 1/2

Bengals 26, Browns 21: What’s stopping Odell Beckham Jr. from driving down I-71 and sharing state secrets at this point? Line: Bengals -2 1/2

Cowboys 23, Broncos 17: The remake of Ford’s Bronco is indeed impressive, but not more so than the Cowboys’ renaissance. Line: Broncos +9 1/2

Bills 33, Jaguars 16: Buffalo’s strength of schedule currently checks in at an NFL-light .345. Line: Bills -14 1/2

Texans 20, Dolphins 16: Why? Well, in a matchup of one-win teams, take the franchise that holds an 8-1 series lead. Line: Texans +6 1/2

Saints 25, Falcons 24: If Sean Payton cruises to the playoffs without Drew Brees and now without Jameis Winston and Michael Thomas, wow, wow, wow. Line: Falcons +6

Raiders 27, Giants 23: No snarky comment here. Just a public-service reminder: Don’t drink and drive. Line: Raiders -3

Eagles 26, Chargers 24: Three weeks after getting blown out in Baltimore, things again go south, just north in Philly. Line: Eagles +2

Chiefs 36, Packers 16: Green Bay has no shot, kind of like Aaron Rodgers’ deceiving COVID stance. Line: Chiefs -7

Rams 26, Titans 23: Derrick Henry won’t be walking through that Rams’ door of Aaron Donald, Von Miller & Co. This is the Titans’ first L.A. visit since they lost as the Oilers there in 1990. Line: Titans +7 1/2

Steelers 24, Bears 17: Nick Bosa just sacked Justin Fields twice, but Myles Garrett notched 4 ½ earlier this season, so T.J. Watt will get to Fields somewhere in that range. Line: Steelers -6 1/2

Last week: 10-5 straight up, 10-5 against the spread

Season: 73-49 straight up, 55-66-1 against the spread

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